lessons in patience...

being a nurse is supposed to be one of the most fulfilling jobs emotionally, right? well, it is, kinda anyway. so a couple of days ago I'm in the office when this demented patient's wife comes spittingg chips because her husband's 300 dollar mohair was ruined in our laundry. very frustrating, i understand, I mean, i wld nt spend 300 dollars on a rug no matter how rich i got, but you know, thats just me, so why impose them on such a rich lady , right? anyway, tto each his own, if thats how the hell she roll, well, thats how she roll. my problem was not precipitated by any of the so far mentioned details, however, it was by the way she handled it, she calls us all idiots who work there, right to the laundry lady, we were all referred to as idiots because we could not look at the rug and distinguish its high value and as a result keep it from the laundry and if it did get there, send it back. now, one of the skills I'm learning through my line of work is actually how to SHUT UP! i'm learning how to appear calm and unperturbed, or is it 'professional' in the face of circumstances that would normally be mitigating for murder one! anyway, so i crossed my hands and listened o this woman who undermines my knowledge and abilities at every turn, whose caustic tongue has caused me so much private grief that i have considered quitting so many times now. but why should she make me quit? she's lived her life, and is now struggling to grasp the fact that her formerly distinguished hunk of a man with whom she might have graced many a society page, is the drooling, gibberish spouting human being she sees at her every visit. she's struggling to deal with the loss of a lifestyle, quite possibly the loss of her husband as was, the loss of status and such huge losses that we all struggle with as we approach our twilight years, some handle it with quiet dignity, others with aplomb, yet others by venting on every tom, mary and harry. its up to me to decide who i let jolt a reaction out of me, and in what circumstances, cos every one i meet, is fighting some kind battle. i have therefore decided that I will find a happy medium between being a dumping ground for everyone's ish, and being considerate of evryone's battles. hmmmmmmmmmmmm.... think i can find it?

mind games...

Okay okay, really I know, I am not in a relationship, therefore my right to discuss love and the whole shebang is sort of negated, but then again, everywhere I’m looking around me now, there is love, a few of my very close friends are even looking to get married, and one of them, was the chief anti-marriage crusader of all time. I mean,. Seriously, it’s a fact of life that men and women come from entirely different planets, I am highly suspicious they could even be two entirely different species, but I know that the fact that they do produce fertile offspring makes that a pretty moot point, aye? Well, I was talking to the fiancée of one of the chics getting married and found out a coupla interesting things, like the fact that he is doing this whole thing just for her, he says she makes sense in his life, and when he thinks of his future, the only thing that makes sense is having her alongside him, every step of the way. She said she wanted a huge fancy wedding and by Jove he will give her one, doesn’t matter that he could quite happily shack up with her the rest of his days, if its what she wants he will go the whole nine yards. Now knowing my friend, she is a very assertive woman, she knows her worth and she aint taking no shit from any which bugger decides to spill it her way, nah, not this one, she is kinda my star cos she is also a single mum who held out til she got the best life has to offer her. She had a couple of bad relationships before she finally styled up and decided to start having a good relationship with herself before she can have one with a man, or woman. J. She met this guy and liked him a whole lot plus a bag of chips, but was the queen bitch to him whenever he was actually looking (why? I ask, do we feel the need to play all these mind games?) I know I know, cat and mouse games, but the funny bit about her is that she wasn’t playing hard to get, or being a tease, she genuinely hated how vulnerable he made her, how easily he wormed his way into her hardened cast iron heart where she had marked out a no go zone, without even trying. That was until he finally convinced her (two years later) that his were only the best of intentions, and that she was actually safe. In his words, the result of that safety was even more than he had bargained for, all her hidden sweetness came out alongside her strength, and suddenly he knew he could not live without her (sheesh, I thought only girls use that line!!! If she hadn’t spoken about it in glowing breathless terms, I would have been tempted to doubt his manhood, lol, KIDDING!!!). Now she has got me thinking about the existence, or lack thereof, of love, but as she plans her wedding, that glow in her eye that refuses to die, as we argue about the ugly bridesmaids dress she is determined to make me wear, lol, she tells me its all been worth it. And just looking at him and at her, I am tempted to believe in happy endings, and to ask myself if one awaits me somewhere down the road, and then I catch myself thinking that, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, I do have a happy ending. I spoke to someone yesterday that made me really appreciate my ability to get pregnant without even trying, and my life really is even better than I had hoped it would be in five years time, five years ago, indeed, who knew?

loving angels instead...

‘God they grow up so quick! I still remember pushing them on the pram like it was yesterday, and she just got a new car!’ These words, spoken by a reminiscing nana today got me thinking (by now you know I think at the slightest provocation, lol, not a very attractive prospect when you’re husband hunting so lets hope for my sake I rid myself of this shocking habit when I do wanna shop for a hubby, lol). As you are all well aware by now, I am a mum to the most amazing little girl in my world. She is gorgeous( well am her mum, I have to say that! Lol), and funny, (she reckons people in love are like chips and sausage, remember how we thought those were inseparable? at least if you grew up in the vicinity of Kenya you did), and she is a smart cookie, she is outspoken like you wouldn’t believe, a sweet spirit, the list is endless. She is my angel from heaven, there is no doubt about it there, and being apart from her in these formative years simply does my head in, but that’s not the point of this ere note, so lets get to it, aye?
I remember the day she was born like it just happened, those tiny feet, a complete cut and paste of her father’s feet, her tiny little hands exactly like mine, her father’s hairline, details that just made me weep at the miracle of it all, she looked a lot like my little sister(hehehehe, pay no mind to the fact that she is 23 now, my ‘little’ sister that is, not my daughter, I’m really not that fertile to have given birth at the age of two years and a bit, lol) and because in my opinion my little sister is really one of the hottest chics on earth, I was amazed that I cld have birthed so incredible a being. Fast forward to a few years later, when I called her the other day and she goes, ‘mum, could you call a bit later, just wait until I call you then you can call me.’ Offended, I asked her if I was boring her, ready to talk about the mating patterns of the local marabou storks, if that was what could hold her attention, so desperate was I to keep the conversation going. In a bored, half yawning voice, as if to say ‘mum, stop being so blooming clingy!!!!’, she said to me, ‘ I am tired and sleepy, I just want to take a nap, then I’ll call you tonight once I get up’, and tears started flowing (isn’t it just amazing how kids turn on the waterworks in even the most battle hardened women, with just the swelling of pride, and a million other emotions?) Well, the camel that broke the camel’s back actually came in the form of a post card that my aunt brought me from home, with the picture of two masai children at the back, and the following words written out in the neatest handwriting I ever saw on a four and a half year old, ‘ Dear mummy,
I love you,
I miss you,
Angel Gathoni’
Now that is the reason I understood that nana today, kids grow up so quickly, every day, taller, smarter, becoming their own little person, touching their share of human lives, carving out their own niche in this cruel place called the world, and as their parents, the best we can do is to learn how to be a help rather than a hindrance to these little angels as the travel this journey. I think the most powerful words I ever heard spoken to a mother were spoken to a mother that was hacking away at her daughter’s self esteem by trying to make her lose weight at the very tender age of 3 so she could enter her in beauty pageants. The words went something like this, ‘your daughter is out there facing a very cruel and unforgiving world every single day you send her out to kindy, you absolutely cannot afford in any way to not be her biggest cheerleader and her safest haven that she can be herself at.’ Now I know most of u aren’t there yet, this path called parenting but you are your parents’ children, and you know better than anyone just how much their parenting styles have affected the person that you are today, the path that your life has taken, and the way you think about things. Even that aversion to marriage and the whole shebang that your parents’ not so good marriage gave you, or the way you push yourself beyond because that’s what your parents did, who knows? Whatever your situation, I do hope that you will see the children u meet and make ( remember children in the back seat cause accidents, and accidents in the back seat cause children, lol), you’ll see that little differently as a result of reading this.
J

crowd...

My nanna always spoke about something which she referred to as ‘kirindi’, which loosely translated simply means a crowd. Every time I said something about having done something because so and so had advised me to do the same, she looked slightly disappointed and referred to the said ‘kirindi’ which according to her would never be satisfied. The actual words she used were that the same crowd that had laid out palms, and the very clothes off their backs in worship of Jesus Christ was the self same that bayed for his blood the following week. Now, of course to me it was all a bunch of hoo hah about nothing very much, and what would she know, she was the one that had flicked the switch at the command ‘let there be light!’ so old was she in my young and innocent eyes. I wondered how she had felt having outlived the flood and lived to tell the tale, and were it not for sheer lack of spine, I might even have sought a first hand account of the rain falling against the ark, except she scared me that little bit too much for me to ask. As a result of this view, I never paid much attention to what Nanna had to say about her famed kirindi. As I grew older, I learnt this lesson the hardest way possible when I had one confrontation with the person I considered my best friend in front of audience of about 60 where I had my biggest secrets revealed quite callously, and there was my first lesson in the said kirindi. I bore my head high, determined not to cry the bitter tears that were arising in my gut, and went on to wow the same kirindi in a class debate. Funnily enough, my nanna’s voice seemed louder than all the loud congratulatory voices coming from every direction, and I knew that this kirindi was just seasonal, and any minute they could turn on me at the smallest excuse, and twist that knife in my back. I guess you could say I credit my nanna with the backbone I began to develop from that experience on, one of the few reasons that I am not now an alcoholic addicted to all sorts of hard substances, because of that keen awareness of the volatility of the kirindi. I know they convince you to do something then just as soon as any of it goes wrong, turn around and point an accusing finger. If we were all honest, we’ve all been part of a kirindi at one point in our lives or another. No? not you? Well, aren’t you lucky you were made so perfect, to never have offered an unsolicited piece of advise, nor said a nasty word behind someone’s back, nope, not even judged anyone in passing or wished anyone ill, my goodness, what on earth are you doing in a human body, by golly, you should have sublimed into an angel’s by now, seriously!!!! I know I am guilty of these things at least every once in a while, my tongue, despite my best efforts does have a mind of its own, and the day I learn to tame it, I know the earth will be mine, nut till then, am doing this one day at a time, conscious of my own experiences at the hand of the kirindi, and as a result, making every effort to slip up fewer times. Trying to pay the kirindi no heed when it turns on me, as I quietly grow into my own, every day a bit more comfortable in my skin, determined to make my own opinion louder in my own ears than that of the crowd. Making a choice every day I get up, to live my life according to my choices, and while I may listen ti criticism, and chew on it for a while, I want to sift through it and choose what I take before casting the rest to the wind and bettering myself. I want to correct others in privacy, with an aim not to embarrass them, but to build them. I want to be the best ciru I can be, the rest is details, cos there is nobody else’s life that I’ve got to live, not even Angel’s in spite of how much I love and adore her. She has to chart out her own life, I can only pass on, by action the bits of me I would like her to emulate, not hammer them in with words, which will fly out the other ear without making contact with the brain. I’m deciding today, to make every effort, to be the part of the kirindi that nurtures and heals, and holds the hands of those that need it most, instead of pointing a finger at them when they do enough of that themselves. So go on, do that thing you desire, with no thought to the crowd’s judgement, they go where the winds blow, but you live with you the rest of your life. Just learn to choose which voices you will attune your ears to, cos people will be people will be people, and being people, they will ALWAYS have something to say about everything on earth. J Bored you again, am still trying to shorten these but my fingers seem to have a mind of their own, tihihihihi!

mars vs venus...

Forgive me if this one tends to get a little bit on the emotional side, its on a topic close to my heart so I’ll try keep them emotions checked, but if they sep through, consider yourself forewarned. Aye? Ok, I have been chewing on this one for a while but only just kinda exploded the first time that I watched ‘why did I get married?’, a movie by one Tyler Perry. Surely, you’ve heard of him? He of the ‘diary of a mad black woman’ fame. No? that’s probably cause you’re either in Australia or that you work around the time Oprah comes on cause she caused quite a fuss about how good the said ‘diary of a mad black woman’ movie was. My cousin had us in stitches regaling us with tales of the looks she got when she went around Adelaide looking for the movie when it first came out. Inspired me to try looking and that was a fun experience to say the least, suffice to say most of the people I encountered were pretty sure I was looking for my diary but using some sort of code so they didn’t figure out the fact that I was crazy and take me back to Glenside( for those out of the know[yes I know how that sounds!], Glenside is Adelaide speak for Mathare) where I had most assuredly escaped from, so stealthily hedging towards their phones. You had to be there! But, as usual, I digress.

Anywho, in ‘why did I get married?’, there’s four couples and four sorts of drama, you know the kind, right? Except there’s one couple with a woman of generous proportions married to the biggest butthole who ever walked the earth. Constantly putting her down, and not nicely, cheating on her, all this ending ion divorce, right? Anyway, the introduction of us to them is of her getting kicked off the plane cause a person her size needs to buy two tickets, and him giving her money to buy gas for the car so she can drive up to the couple’s retreat while him and her very hot girlfriend fly up and meet her over there. Now by this point I was mouth agape thinking if I was her friend there would be no discussion, we’d drive to Las Vegas together and clean out his accounts on licentious living just to teach the fecker a lesson, but that’s just me, I’m getting side-tracked here. What am I saying? I’m reflecting as we go into the new year about how many people I know who are in a relationship where they don’t want to be, with someone who doesn’t even like them, ( I think my biggest aha moment happened when I realised men also have this happen to them!) simply because its easier than starting over.

This oldie at work was telling me about his wife who is the reason he hates Christmas because she died on Christmas day from a very aggressive cancer. He told me how the diagnosis was so heartbreaking for him as he’d only been married to her for 20 years when it came( I know! I want a man who will consider 20 years with me ‘only’ too!!!). his relative who’s a cancer research scientist gave it to them straight. Chemo basically works by poisoning all your cells in the hope that when your body makes new ones, they are cancer free ones, then she gave him some advice, give her a good remaining time. Long story short, they went on cruises, spent pretty much all their money on one adventure after another and from the gleam in his eye and the dreamy glazed look that comes over him, you can tell they really enjoyed themselves. He tells me of one time they just came off a house boat adventure, and she said to him that that had been the most fun she’d ever had, and he just paid for another week and they went back.

Now, my main thought (among others, as usual, hehehehe) is this, why does it take near death, or anguishing moments, or even the promise of death to appreciate our partners? How many times had my darling oldie’s wife requested they go on a cruise before the diagnosis and it had just seemed uneconomical, or too fickle? Why did it take Sheila in ‘why did I get married’ being betrayed in the worst way, and left, to acknowledge it wasn’t working? Why do we bury our heads in the sand, and stay in relationships, or even friendships whose main purpose in life is to drain us of our dignity, go on, you know those pals who see your hot new look and notice your chipped tip of the little toenail polish, and suddenly instead of sexy, you’re feeling self conscious. The ones where you’re telling your pal about this absolutely great guy you just met and things look promising with and they ask you if he drives, and when you say no, they sneer until you esteem him too lowly for your fine self (then spend your life moving from one butthead to the next and wondering why you never find a guy who loves you for you. Babe please! Wake up and smell the bougainvillea!!!). guys, you’re always wondering why chics are so materialistic, well, most of us have to have a guy our girlfriends can approve of and if our girlfriends are materialistic, well sweets you’re fresh outta luck. Same with looks, and all that other crap you’re always whinging girls are picky with. Now, I’m not asking you to leave your sweetie, sugar as long as its working for you, work it. But tell me this, if you found out that the person you were with right now (and am talking about friends, friends with benefits, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, the works!) was the person you would be with forever, would you write a dirge, or a celebratory chorus? No, don’t start looking for you hubby or wifie now if you don’t want to, or aren’t ready. Alls I’m saying is, find someone who makes you happy, really really happy, who you look forward to seeing, not for the rampant sex( I know that helps, lol) you’re going to have, but simply because spending time with them is so much fun. Wait, now I sound like I’m giving you advise!!! Well, its for myself, but feel free to pick any that may work for you, so now I have some candidates to interview, si we’ll talk later? Tihihihihi.

Oops, just realised I think this is my longest one yet! Sorry, I will go for classes, I reckon I’m a lost cause. J

here we go again....

I cant believe I’m in this place again. You’d think I’d have learnt my lessons by now, its been a coupla years after all, have I no ears? No eyes? No mind to yell STOP!!! As I walk further down this road I’m headed. I know he’ll break my heart, they always do. But for some reason, I also know that moments like these are not your every day moments in life. Like watching the sun set while you eat some fabulous fasta pasta and just talk about everything and nothing. Like finding a surprise love note in the unlikeliest of places, and a joke in another unlikely place. Its concentrating on something so hard for a while, and looking up to find him looking at me with a look of rapturous ecstasy in his eyes, like a pauper that just won the 30 million buck lotto and doesn’t quite comprehend how that happened to him. Its having him kiss me for absolutely no sensible reason, but just because its Wednesday. Its having him get me breakfast in bed served with a kiss and a smile and wondering how I got so blooming lucky. I wonder at myself, letting go so totally, so fully, so lost in the moment, ‘Ciru,’ I says to myself, ‘u do realise this means it will hurt more when he leaves, right?’ and for one brief eternity of a moment, I can’t breath, so completely engulfed in terror am I. I hear the voices in my head, from eons gone by ‘I think I have feelings for someone else… I love you…. Give birth to the baby, I’ll bring it up if you can’t handle it….’ And the pain comes back, and my eyes are brimming with tears from the sheer agony of it all, only this time its in his voice, this loving man, this gift on loan for a while… then he looks up, ‘you’re gorgeous,’ he says, almost as if he’s reading my mind. ‘I can’t believe I got so lucky..’ and as is my default setting, I almost rush to correct him, remind him of all the things that are wrong with me, but just before my mouth pops open, my mind shifts into gear and I remember, yes, he does know all these things, and still he thinks he’s lucky, so who on earth do I purport to be, to interfere with his decision making ability. So right now, I’ll enjoy this ride, I’ll let each moment that can take my breath away do so, I’ll cry when it all ends, but those tears will be made all the more bearable by the knowledge that it was all worth it. Because for that period of time, I felt with all my heart, I took a chance on someone, on myself, I decided I was worth it, I let someone in, and they touchesd my life so beautifully. And when I count my blessings in this fashion, its easy to say, ‘I’ll cry those tears, and still I will love again. Because I’d rather feel something totally, that go thru the motions, because while you may not get as hurt as I do when its over, but by Jove, I feel every single joy, and for me, there really is no other way to live but to feel completely!

the beast untamed....

So in the news today was an article about this guy that was caught speeding and filming himself as he masturbated and sped down the highway. I laughed til my ribs pretty much ached, at least until I read his age, 39! Gobsmacked kinda comes close to the correct reaction after that. Then I went in to visit this 81 year old client who knows me as the ‘no’ nurse, simply because every time he asks for something I say no even as I do it just to goad him that little bit…. He looks at me as I’m drawing up his medication and he says, ‘you and I should get married’ to which of course I was too thrown to even quip my usual ‘no’ in response, so I just turned to look at him. You see, most of my patients who propose to me or even make lewd suggestions have the diagnosis of dementia to hide behind, so I can always laugh and go, ‘yeah, of course’, or for one particular one, I can always tell him I’m married then launch into a description of my ‘husband’ who is of course ‘tall, black, body builder who works as a bouncer in a night club in his spare time,’ (you would be shocked just how well that works, lol). Anywho, for this patient, he has absolutely no problems related to dementia hence the shock when he said it, then he went ahead to say, ‘after the reception, we could go into the hotel for the honeymoon(just so you know, I was nearly gagging at this point, just picture someone 55years older than you telling you this, you’ll know why J), and as we enter the hotel suite, I’ll get very excited, so much so that the minute you begin to take your clothes off, I’ll die of a heart attack!’ jeez, I was wheezing by the time he finished, so hard was I laughing.

As usual, thought(you know I wouldn’t be me otherwise, right?), what is it about sexuality that is so important that we pretty much define ourselves by it? If a chic tells a guy he’s bad in bed, she’s pretty much looking to wound him mortally. If a guy tells me I’m not sexually attractive to him, I begin to look into botox, silicone, all sorts of alloys till by the time I’m old I begin to resemble a mine for all sorts of non-metals ( I know I know, geeky joke, so sue me!) oh n for all you all who understood it, you be sad sods too, lolest. Why is it that the moment male friend and female friend sleep together it all gets complicated however drunk they claim to have been at the time. Why is it that a chic will be just friends with a guy and all his crap is funny, his sagas with other chics hilarious, and pretty much, we can make excuses for him, that is until that drunken or is it lonely night when you throw caution to the wind, then the proverbial bowel motions hit the fan(oh my gosh, help! I just called crap bowel motions, I need help!!!!) and all his excusable habits where other chics were concerned cos its you he’s sleeping with, you he’s pulling it on. Why does sex change so much stuff? Could that be the reason it is considered sacred in nigh every religion known to man( sure enough to some it was you need to shag the ‘holy’ chics for fertility or some other excuse to bonk your brains out) but you get the general idea.

Could it be that the reason it is so glorified is because it is so glorious( ha-ha, I see that clog agreeing with me, don’t think I don’t!!!) but then again, if you have never had a sensation of shattering into a million glorious pieces, you might think I’m full of hot air, so I’ll beg leave of you at this particular juncture. Could it be that the olden days ‘wise men’ knew the very power of the famed ‘big ‘O’’ and thus the introduction of female genital mutilation, in an attempt to tame women sexually, (we all know how ingenious those endorphins make a mama once she’s got that big ‘O’) lolest, nope, not male bashing, just wondering, you know?

online..

Crap does not even come close to describing my day yesterday, I kid you not, by the end of it, I was curled up in a ball in bed, afraid to go out lest one more thing goes wrong. He consoled me, told me to go to sleep, tomorrow was bound to be better than ‘today’ had been. Really very sweet of him, considering he is battling the awfullest cold ever, but stubbornly refuses to go see a doctor (machismo in play, plus he says nurses know more than doctors anyway so he’s getting the best deal yet, lol. These men!!!) Anywho, since he couldn’t give me a hug anyway(the cold notwithstanding, he was miles away), he just called me and talked me through it, kinda like his way of trying to be there, really sweet, I thinks (if you tell him I said that, he’ll cringe so please don’t, ok?). anyway, so I start watching a couple of movies (really very brave of me, considering it’s a wonder I dint get electrocuted while putting in the DVD[yes, it had been that kind of day, I kid you not!]). Before I did, though, I picked up my phone and went on fb and updated my status, declaring I have never needed a hug so bad. I was amazed how many people actually sent one my way, via wall, inbox and status comments, so grateful was I, I actually cried (quote me on this, you are so dead!! lol). Anywho, back to em movies, I was watching this one called online, really weird movie, come to think of it, but this one time it kinda struck a chord with me. There’s this chic who’s just discovered the guy she’s been going out with shagged his roomies date in the bathroom, and she decides to get drunk and pop a coupla pills to soften the blow, but she’s online n this chat room for people with suicidal ideation(sometimes I feel like looking into joining one of them just in case, but that’s a story for another day…) and there’s this guy she usually cheers up cos his life is kinda messed up cos he’s gay but a gay virgin (work that one out, Einstein)in love with a guy in another state, (uwi, I’m getting carried away with the storyline, pretty soon it’ll look like a synopsis of the movie if I’m not careful, lol.). Anyway, she ODs as he watches, too drunk to take note, and when she passes out and he is unable to rouse her, he reaches out to his crash from interstate who then makes a connection, and reaches out to a chic he usually chats with, even going over to her house when he cant reach her online, they reach out to the boyfriend’s roomie and at the end of it all her life is saved. I have heard a lot of people talk ill of the internet, and of how many horrid things could happen, but alls I know, is that there is also a lot of good that can come from it too,. Yesterday, when I could have cheerfully sawn my right arm off for a hug, I had people reach out to me and pseudo give me one, and I realised I am not alone, and sometimes that really is the greatest feeling of all. I have met some of the people I consider my erstwhile closest and dearest online, and yes, I know how this sounds even before I say it, but I have a humongous crush online too, so u see, a lot of interesting things happen online. There is something about not being face to face that removes some barriers, that releases me to be me, without seeing the faces that judge, I can somehow ignore them, and live for the sake of living. And that, my friend is a very sweet way to live, TRUST ME!!!

the art of seduction

One of my favourite all time movies remains coyote ugly, a movie I have watched well, too many times, and been entertained each time without fail. I cannot yet identify exactly what it is about the movie that has me all gaga, whether it is the mix of sex appeal, good music, a beautiful voice, the struggle to survive and the ability to succeed against all odds, clearly, there is a lot about it that just takes my breath away. Now, in coyote ugly, there is this scene where she has tried to convince her new flame (ok fine, they’ve kissed a total of two times by this time, so I would not exactly refer to him as her flame but there is enough sexual tension between the two of them to load up a nuke fit to end the earth, period! Not the earth as we know it, but the earth, period. ) that she cannot perform her own music in front of an audience, and he’s determined to help fix this problem (you know men, always Mr. Fix It syndrome), so he hires a keyboard, a whole load of cardboard ‘people’ with all manner of faces, Bill Clinton and Marilyn Munroe to mention but a few, and brings her and her guitar over to his apartment to perform in front of this massive audience. Long story halved, (lol, considering how long that was, it would be a travesty to call it short), he asks how it feels, and there follows one of the most classic seduction scenes I seen in my time.

Now, as Ron will attest, I have always longed to be a seductress ( I also cannot believe I just wrote that down, but since it is relevant… well….), you know, one of those chics that can weaken a man’s knees with one simple glance, u know the type, there is a name for them, femme fatales, I believe. Except for one major weakness I’ve always had, I’m a one man kinda woman, believe me I’ve tried to fight that or contradict it but at the end of the day, sadly, my femme fatale genes, well, they kinda skipped out on me. I then planned, as Ron might laughingly tell you, to join a belly dancing class, the forte of sensuality. Pole dancing was also in the pipeline, and of course, that sensual henna tattooing in all manner of places for my hubby to find, well, that does hold its appeal to me too, you know.

Seduction, was it the power in it that attracted me to it? Is it the watching of a glazed look on a man’s face, and knowing it is a reaction you have planned and provoked in him, is it knowing that in that moment, he can do the laundry a hundred times over if I played my cards right? (lol, Davie, see it is more than one woman that knows that trick, lolest), or is it simply that one of the deepest desires in a woman (whether she is size zero or size infinity and everything between) is to be called beautiful, to be desired and wanted as a whole. Some of my male friends are always whining cos when they call a girl sexy, she thinks he only wants her for sex, when he considers her funny, it is a sign he is not sexually attracted to her, and all sorts of bizarre claims, whose main moral is simply that men can never do right by women (sob sob).

Why am I as a woman seemingly so difficult to please whereas my desires are so clear in my head. Not the crap planted in my head by the bold and the beautiful (you know yourself don’t take offence, J) oh wait, that’s the one where every single character has slept with every other character on set in one way or another, so no not that one, the ones where Mr. Perfect has to be a certain height, a certain amount of handsome, a certain way of walking, he should be strong, yet weak, know everything yet listen to my opinion(AS IF!!!!!!!!!!!), tell me he loves me every single day (even on those days he’d gladly skin me and sell the skin on eBay!), wake up looking freshly shaven(hahahahahahaha, my ribs ache), with peppermint breath, and smelling of intimately beckham, you get the idea, right? Now, ladies, make no mistake, I’m not saying settle for any Tom Dick or Harry that gives you a second look, but on the other hand, remember you too, are human yourself, so cut a brother some slack!! I was telling my male friend the other day about this chic who told us about her encounter with a guy who was, how shall I put it delicately, yes, not well endowed AT ALL. Anyway, she says she told him no as soon as she noticed his size, and proceeded to laugh her head off to the sheer embarrassment of the poor fella who might now decide to take it out on every other girl he encounters, or who might decide its celibacy from here on in. after listening quietly for the entire length of the story with a thoughtful look on his face, my mate proceeded to make a statement that stayed with me a while, he said ‘only if you have the perfect body yourself are you allowed to do something so callous!’ so people, the next time you wanna be unkind about such sensitive matters to others, please stop, and wait a bit, then ask yourself if you yourself are perfect, then surely you’ll see the point of those oldies who said something about people who live in glass houses, and how permitted or not they are to throw stones.

J its official, Ciru cannot write a short note to save her skin L sorry. Don’t fall asleep on me, (or do… wink wink, just not on my note, lol)