here we go again....

I cant believe I’m in this place again. You’d think I’d have learnt my lessons by now, its been a coupla years after all, have I no ears? No eyes? No mind to yell STOP!!! As I walk further down this road I’m headed. I know he’ll break my heart, they always do. But for some reason, I also know that moments like these are not your every day moments in life. Like watching the sun set while you eat some fabulous fasta pasta and just talk about everything and nothing. Like finding a surprise love note in the unlikeliest of places, and a joke in another unlikely place. Its concentrating on something so hard for a while, and looking up to find him looking at me with a look of rapturous ecstasy in his eyes, like a pauper that just won the 30 million buck lotto and doesn’t quite comprehend how that happened to him. Its having him kiss me for absolutely no sensible reason, but just because its Wednesday. Its having him get me breakfast in bed served with a kiss and a smile and wondering how I got so blooming lucky. I wonder at myself, letting go so totally, so fully, so lost in the moment, ‘Ciru,’ I says to myself, ‘u do realise this means it will hurt more when he leaves, right?’ and for one brief eternity of a moment, I can’t breath, so completely engulfed in terror am I. I hear the voices in my head, from eons gone by ‘I think I have feelings for someone else… I love you…. Give birth to the baby, I’ll bring it up if you can’t handle it….’ And the pain comes back, and my eyes are brimming with tears from the sheer agony of it all, only this time its in his voice, this loving man, this gift on loan for a while… then he looks up, ‘you’re gorgeous,’ he says, almost as if he’s reading my mind. ‘I can’t believe I got so lucky..’ and as is my default setting, I almost rush to correct him, remind him of all the things that are wrong with me, but just before my mouth pops open, my mind shifts into gear and I remember, yes, he does know all these things, and still he thinks he’s lucky, so who on earth do I purport to be, to interfere with his decision making ability. So right now, I’ll enjoy this ride, I’ll let each moment that can take my breath away do so, I’ll cry when it all ends, but those tears will be made all the more bearable by the knowledge that it was all worth it. Because for that period of time, I felt with all my heart, I took a chance on someone, on myself, I decided I was worth it, I let someone in, and they touchesd my life so beautifully. And when I count my blessings in this fashion, its easy to say, ‘I’ll cry those tears, and still I will love again. Because I’d rather feel something totally, that go thru the motions, because while you may not get as hurt as I do when its over, but by Jove, I feel every single joy, and for me, there really is no other way to live but to feel completely!