the beast untamed....

So in the news today was an article about this guy that was caught speeding and filming himself as he masturbated and sped down the highway. I laughed til my ribs pretty much ached, at least until I read his age, 39! Gobsmacked kinda comes close to the correct reaction after that. Then I went in to visit this 81 year old client who knows me as the ‘no’ nurse, simply because every time he asks for something I say no even as I do it just to goad him that little bit…. He looks at me as I’m drawing up his medication and he says, ‘you and I should get married’ to which of course I was too thrown to even quip my usual ‘no’ in response, so I just turned to look at him. You see, most of my patients who propose to me or even make lewd suggestions have the diagnosis of dementia to hide behind, so I can always laugh and go, ‘yeah, of course’, or for one particular one, I can always tell him I’m married then launch into a description of my ‘husband’ who is of course ‘tall, black, body builder who works as a bouncer in a night club in his spare time,’ (you would be shocked just how well that works, lol). Anywho, for this patient, he has absolutely no problems related to dementia hence the shock when he said it, then he went ahead to say, ‘after the reception, we could go into the hotel for the honeymoon(just so you know, I was nearly gagging at this point, just picture someone 55years older than you telling you this, you’ll know why J), and as we enter the hotel suite, I’ll get very excited, so much so that the minute you begin to take your clothes off, I’ll die of a heart attack!’ jeez, I was wheezing by the time he finished, so hard was I laughing.

As usual, thought(you know I wouldn’t be me otherwise, right?), what is it about sexuality that is so important that we pretty much define ourselves by it? If a chic tells a guy he’s bad in bed, she’s pretty much looking to wound him mortally. If a guy tells me I’m not sexually attractive to him, I begin to look into botox, silicone, all sorts of alloys till by the time I’m old I begin to resemble a mine for all sorts of non-metals ( I know I know, geeky joke, so sue me!) oh n for all you all who understood it, you be sad sods too, lolest. Why is it that the moment male friend and female friend sleep together it all gets complicated however drunk they claim to have been at the time. Why is it that a chic will be just friends with a guy and all his crap is funny, his sagas with other chics hilarious, and pretty much, we can make excuses for him, that is until that drunken or is it lonely night when you throw caution to the wind, then the proverbial bowel motions hit the fan(oh my gosh, help! I just called crap bowel motions, I need help!!!!) and all his excusable habits where other chics were concerned cos its you he’s sleeping with, you he’s pulling it on. Why does sex change so much stuff? Could that be the reason it is considered sacred in nigh every religion known to man( sure enough to some it was you need to shag the ‘holy’ chics for fertility or some other excuse to bonk your brains out) but you get the general idea.

Could it be that the reason it is so glorified is because it is so glorious( ha-ha, I see that clog agreeing with me, don’t think I don’t!!!) but then again, if you have never had a sensation of shattering into a million glorious pieces, you might think I’m full of hot air, so I’ll beg leave of you at this particular juncture. Could it be that the olden days ‘wise men’ knew the very power of the famed ‘big ‘O’’ and thus the introduction of female genital mutilation, in an attempt to tame women sexually, (we all know how ingenious those endorphins make a mama once she’s got that big ‘O’) lolest, nope, not male bashing, just wondering, you know?