looking into a warped mirror...

So the other day i had the most confronting shift i have ever had in my entire life. I was at the hospital, it was a simple one on one shift, and her name, well lets call her sita.(I know, my creativity is at an all time low as far as name granting is concerned, lol, so bear with me, k?). She was lying quietly on my shift, and rarely asked for my help(ok, so i lied and she asked a couple of times, alls I'm saying is that compared to some nightmares I work with, she was a bit of alright. It all began with my handover, where I was informed, in a rather matter-of-fact voice that i would be looking after.... myself. No dummy, not my doppelganger, or any such sci-fi ish, no. just myself as I would have been had i not been so blessed with the most incredible and amazing friends and family in the whole entire world ( yeah, even better than yours, mate, lol, even better than yours, :) kidding, but you get the idea, right?). See, Sita was on a detention order because she had jumped off a bridge but failed to die. Instead she managed to break her bones in several places and put herself in severe agony. Now, why am i referring to her as myself then? I hear you ask, well, give me your time and I'll tell you. you see, i know, and was able to look after her because I know, quite intimately, that darkness, that despair, those loud voices in her head, telling her to end it all, because i have been there. the biggest difference between us was simply that she has no friends, she doesnt speak to her siblings or even her parents who look after her two children and have done so for the last ten years, and to crown it all, her son hates her and refuses to speak to her at all.
I am so lucky that by the time i got home from that shift, i was literally bawling my eyes out with sheer gratitude. Gratitude for the absolute bestest friends anyone in the world could ever hope for, especially mems and you ron, for a family made in heaven, with heaps of chocolate and nuts (lol, dont ask!), who while we're all a little crazy sometimes, i would never ever trade any of them for Beyonce, Oprah or Angelina Jolie, with all their money and shit. Not even for a minute. mind you, i did not even pick a celebrity like Paris hilton who we shall not even get into, i picked the package deals, lol, and still they are of less value to me!!!!
The part of the shift where my tears had to be extremely held in check, was watching the three generations of them in play. her mum, her and her daughter, when her mum n daughter came to visit late in the evening. Her mother, when informed of her daughter's attempted suicide, had these motherly words of wisdom, and btw, i am quoting verbatim, just so you know, 'you bloody idiot! you couldn't even get that right? Go and finish the job if you like, I DONT CARE'. Her daughter's face is another story, as she hovers over her mother saying, 'mum, will you come and see me.....' 'mum, did I ever tell you the story of....' 'mum..' and such like stories, like her mum was still perfect in her eyes. And you wonder why i bawled like a baby!!!??? Argue with me when i say children are angels, I dare you to! they love UNCONDITIONALLY! Something we can learn to recapture, especially with regards to our closest and dearest!
I cried because I am grateful. i am grateful that i am loved, and that i loved, and because the reality of it all is that when all is said and done, it really could be so much worse, so so much worse!!!

selbstlieben

Today I have to contemplate about love. I mean really truly being loved. Spots and warts and all, yeah that sort of love where it doesn't really matter much what life throws at you cos you know who your gonna face it with. Enter a lovely lady, lets call her snow for the purposes of protecting her privacy. Snow is beautiful, regal, with a smile that can outshine a hundred diamonds, easy. A hug from snow… well, lets just say when I've had a crap day at work I go and hug snow. I think maybe you get the idea, aye? Unfortunately, snow is also very heavily demented, so much so that when she does give a complete sentence that even remotely makes sense, it leaves those that have known her a while in total and absolute shock. She's also been known to go into very schizophrenic episodes. ‘Why is she talking about a demented schizo with regard to love?’ I see you thinking. Well, I’ll tell you. Snows problems as far as mental health are concerned, began at the tender age of 26(fifty odd years ago for her, hence the tender, nothing at all to do with the fact that that is indeed my own age at the time of note!), newly married to white(again, preserving the privacy, and why stop with the fairy tale names while I'm on a ROLL!!! lmao). She was a new mum, and was suffering from post natal depression, which, considering she's in her seventies, was not as effectively treated then as it now is. There began a life fraught with extensive stints in mental institutions that would have drove a saint to distraction. Now, you'd be hard placed to find a man who'd stick by his wife in such times these days (you just have to look at any young man’s attitude towards the Kenyan present first lady and her husband's relationship with her to see my point! nuff sed). Today’s relationships are more ‘gimme gimme gimme’ based. but White stuck with snow through hell and high water. to this day, he comes and picks her up for a dibnner together every sunday without fail. its in the way he dresses her, and does her make up so impeccably tht theirs is not a love to be sniggered at. Its in the sparle in her eye when you mention White and it breaks through the worst dementia that this woman has been loved, ALOT. Am I then saying that this is wrong, this our gimme gimme attitude? Am I saying that looking out for number one hinders you from loving? Come come now matey, no need to be overly dramatic just yet! I’ll be getting to the point soon enough…. Oh, get a load of that…. Sorry, the scenic route just tickles my fancy. Lolest.
In my time, I’ve been ‘the girlfriend who’ll do while I’m in this social status’, ‘the other woman(deeply ashamed but hey)’, the ‘chic to make my ex extremely jealous’ the ‘I’ll flirt with my mates’ ex while she’s still vulnerable as payback for the chic I liked that he took’ or some such ish(digression, I do not understand men, at least women show their grudges with the odd sneer or two, a man will still be smiling at his mate as he twists the knife he just hurled in their back and watches them gasp with agony, the smile still intact. Yeah yeah, I know chics backstab too and all that but the difference is that when you examine the facts preceding the event, you can see how the signs were there with a chic, with a guy you need to have worked with the ‘lie to me team for a century to capture the signs. Sorry if it sounds like a stereotype matey. Alls I’m saying is, be careful. ) oh how can I forget wearing the ‘ the chic who is totally and hopelessly and completely obsessed with me’ hat?

The one hat I don’t remember ever wearing is the ‘ the chic I am completely crazy about’ hat. You know, where I don’t have to be staring at the phone willing him to call because he does call, where I don’t gotta be wondering how to get him, because he’s heavily pursuing me, where I don’t have to wonder when I’m not with him if he’s loving someone else, because there is no doubt in my mind, at all that I am what he wants, note, not needs(cling is not really a good look on its best day, especially not when you have my figure!!!!), wants. I haven’t been with a man who had no qualms about showing me how he felt about me, even in company because he was proud to be with me. I’m not tryin to be a cry baby, I have been with the smooth operator who managed to convince me A LOT of those things, but the passage of time does the strangest of things to stuff when you take a really good hard look. I’m just saying, I realised the other day that I have never had that because I had never had it with the most important person in this equation, myself. I needed a man so badly, I was willing to settle for anything, because my fatherly validation had to come from somewhere, right? Well, I’m finding that in the place it belonged, not validation, just contact, and in so doing, the most amazing thing ever has happened to me. I have lost the need for a man, and in the process, realized that I am going to be picky, because the chic in question is worth the very best. I should know, I have fallen in love with her!!!

mind games...

Okay okay, really I know, I am not in a relationship, therefore my right to discuss love and the whole shebang is sort of negated, but then again, everywhere I’m looking around me now, there is love, a few of my very close friends are even looking to get married, and one of them, was the chief anti-marriage crusader of all time. I mean,. Seriously, it’s a fact of life that men and women come from entirely different planets, I am highly suspicious they could even be two entirely different species, but I know that the fact that they do produce fertile offspring makes that a pretty moot point, aye? Well, I was talking to the fiancée of one of the chics getting married and found out a coupla interesting things, like the fact that he is doing this whole thing just for her, he says she makes sense in his life, and when he thinks of his future, the only thing that makes sense is having her alongside him, every step of the way. She said she wanted a huge fancy wedding and by Jove he will give her one, doesn’t matter that he could quite happily shack up with her the rest of his days, if its what she wants he will go the whole nine yards. Now knowing my friend, she is a very assertive woman, she knows her worth and she aint taking no shit from any which bugger decides to spill it her way, nah, not this one, she is kinda my star cos she is also a single mum who held out til she got the best life has to offer her. She had a couple of bad relationships before she finally styled up and decided to start having a good relationship with herself before she can have one with a man, or woman. J. She met this guy and liked him a whole lot plus a bag of chips, but was the queen bitch to him whenever he was actually looking (why? I ask, do we feel the need to play all these mind games?) I know I know, cat and mouse games, but the funny bit about her is that she wasn’t playing hard to get, or being a tease, she genuinely hated how vulnerable he made her, how easily he wormed his way into her hardened cast iron heart where she had marked out a no go zone, without even trying. That was until he finally convinced her (two years later) that his were only the best of intentions, and that she was actually safe. In his words, the result of that safety was even more than he had bargained for, all her hidden sweetness came out alongside her strength, and suddenly he knew he could not live without her (sheesh, I thought only girls use that line!!! If she hadn’t spoken about it in glowing breathless terms, I would have been tempted to doubt his manhood, lol, KIDDING!!!). Now she has got me thinking about the existence, or lack thereof, of love, but as she plans her wedding, that glow in her eye that refuses to die, as we argue about the ugly bridesmaids dress she is determined to make me wear, lol, she tells me its all been worth it. And just looking at him and at her, I am tempted to believe in happy endings, and to ask myself if one awaits me somewhere down the road, and then I catch myself thinking that, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, I do have a happy ending. I spoke to someone yesterday that made me really appreciate my ability to get pregnant without even trying, and my life really is even better than I had hoped it would be in five years time, five years ago, indeed, who knew?