Friday, February 27, 2009

ramblings of a depressive

Funny thing about life is that sometimes it hurts to breath, seriously, you know those times when you want to crawl into your own skin and never ever come out? or is it just me that has those ones? anyway, wouldn't surprise me if i was, but it always does surprise me how clueless people are sometimes. maybe as a result of my line of work, I tune into people alot, to what are they really trying to tell me, no not the verbal communication and lies at will, that I dont need any skill to hear, but the non verbal communication. if they were not able to talk could i accurately tell how they were, just by their body language? a new show called 'lie to me' has now made this topic of a million times more interest to me because its about a group of people specialised in the subject.

A few days ago, i was seriously contemplating suicide, more seriously than I have ever contemplated it in my whole life. i calculated the sum total of the value of my life and the deficit in terms of my self assessed value caused me to weep. On the outside though, i have never acted so nonchalant my entire life, and I painted a picture of roses and violets verbally to everyone that asked. not one person picked up on this, and the day that i finally decided to end it all, I had a mini divine intervention. I wont expound further but seriously, it left me in no doubt that its all good, doesn't matter how it looks, its all good. I know that feeling will come back, because for some reason it always does, and i hope it will not overcome me finally this time, so i'll hope and hope some more. but what if thats the way i was meant to go, what is so wrong with it really?

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